Hello.
It's either all or nothing, isn't it? you can do as much as you can or you can do nothing at all, because when you do things in moderation, bit by bit, it just doesn't seem to tie together so well when it's finished.
when you look back at the year you've had, and where you were at this exact point 12 months before, has anything changed? has everything gotten better - or has it just not happened? the funniest thing, or maybe it's the saddest because I'm not sure anymore, is that I was probably in this same spot, sat in my bedroom with no boyfriend to call, no money to go for a drink and no story to tell. My life has been at a stand still for 12 months, and yeah, I've had some good times and some things that have made me briefly forget my issues in the days behind us, but nothing has really changed.
I don't even know if I'm going to post this because it's not exactly the sort of thing that I'm used to posting about, but I'm at a point where I just need to just let it out, because everything has become just a little too much for me at the moment. not everyone can go through life and ignore their issues and even though I wish that I was one of those people, I'm just not, and its tough.
Around about 12/13 months ago, a very close person to me passed away, and it was really hard to just get up and keep going but I had to, and now it's a year on and getting up and carrying on is getting a little hard. I have too much stress in my life. I have pressure coming from friends, because they rely on me to keep it together and do what they need me to do, and it's the same with my family, only with added pressure that our house may be taken from us. I have a homophobic brother and a dad who's equally as bad and I've tried coping with it but it's just so painful to know you aren't really accepted by two thirds of your family.
I'm incredibly lonely and I have been for a while now, and that's why I watch films all the time and I listen to music like it's the only way I can breath, because without it, I'm just me and I'm alone again, thinking too much into stupid things I've done and just generally over thinking everything. I keep up a whole image of confidence and slight vanity because if I didn't pretend anymore, I'd just be me - an average at best looking guy with a Manc accent and a body I don't like looking at. if someone finds me attractive, I try not to get my hopes up because chances are, they're more into someone else or they'll sober up and realise I wasn't exactly what they wanted. I've always been a romantic and because of all these stupid films I watch to keep me from reality, I end up in pain after someone seems interested and ends up actually not, because I'm too easy let my walls down and care for them when they're too drunk or talk to them when they message after it all, wanting to be friends. it all tears me apart inside.
I'm not writing this because I'm giving up, I'm just writing it because I need to let it out and stop just going about my life making out to people that everything is fine, when it isn't. I'm not depressed, I'm just overwhelmed and I feel like I've hit rock bottom. I know that the only way out is up, but I just need that one push in the right direction to get out of it. People in life have it much worse than me, but at the moment I just feel alone in it all and i need a little help. I know this all sounds like I'm just being stupid or something but take it as you will, because we all have moments like this, and mine just seem to come at the same time.
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