Just some thoughts.

Sometimes i want to know how it feels to run away. To go somewhere i haven't been to before and just stay there for a while. I don't have a passport, and I've never been abroad, so it isn't as simple as it seems, but when i get there - wherever it may be, i don't want to be alone. I want to be forced to make conversation with new people, in new places, and do new things.

The issue with running away is that there's no going back. The whole intention of running away is to leave the life you have, but i'd want to come back to mine. I can't call it a holiday, because a holiday is planned, and you don't do it alone. I don't know what to call this urge, this impulse, other than selfish, if there is no term for it, why am i so sure i want it.

A girl with curly hair and the best intentions has just walked up to me in the library, while i'm writing this. she asked me if i was okay, because of what I've decided to write about. "I'm fine" I told her rather unconvincingly. The thing is, I am fine. Just fine. No better or worse. I'm that in between that's so easy to ignore. I'm not a threat, and why would i want to be. I'ts fine that i'm fine about being fine.

After i write this i'm going to have my last can of beer, watch something on Netflix or Amazon and go to bed. when i wake up i'll be going to the newsroom to write about ten stories about things going on in Bradford, go to the gym for an hour or so and then go back to my room, in my shitty, stuffy, smelly halls and go to bed. I do the same thing every day. I now understand the concept of 'work, eat, sleep, repeat.

I wouldn't want to run away (or whatever you call it), or feel just fine if my life wasn't just so repetitive.

I joined the gym, because people started telling me how much weight I've gained. Being recently single, after year of comfort and happiness with my ex, hearing something like that more than once in the space of a week made me crack. I try so hard to be that guy that doesn't care about how he looks, who doesn't care about people's opinions, but i think my walls fell down when i met him, and i haven't fully gained the strength to build them back up since he left.

I've been going to this small, sometimes intimidating gym on campus at my uni, and so far I've lost a stone. When i joined, i had to go to this pathway meeting, where a tall, athletic man told me what i need to do, to stop being such a lard arse. I thought i didn't have much to lose, that my fitness wasn't that bad, that it wouldn't be so hard to get into shape. I was wrong, and when i stood on the scales, i was shocked at how wrong i was.

I have a few more weeks until my membership is up, and i go back to my small town in Greater Manchester that no one's ever heard of. In that time, i'll keep going to the gym, because i know i need to lose weight, but you won't see me smiling about it. I think I've lost desire now , because it's been woven into my routine, into my daily ritual that i despise so passionately, making me contemplate running.

When i go home i'll have the chance to change things, break my routine, live life, and i can't wait. People who love those stupid sayings and 'inspirational' quotes will be cumming into their fanny packs when i say; why live life so boring? Grab life by the balls (if you're a girl, grab life by the flaps? i don't know, i'm gay, don't blame me) and do things you actually want to do. if not you'll be sat alone in your room (or in the library at your uni, like me), reading my stupid rants and hating your average life. Break the cycle. I can't wait to break mine.

SINGLE.

I am single as fuck.




Recently I've noticed how sad it is to be associated with the word 'single' and the stigma that's attached to it, and I can tell you right now, it's fucking horrible. Having couples tell you how strong their bond is with one and other, or recalling their trip to some hotel in the quaint village Cuteville, Cuteshire has been really rubbing me the wrong way recently, making me ever so slightly (and unashamedly) bitter. It really isn't their fault though, they are all just trying to share the love and exclaim proudly about how happy they are, that they've found someone worth while, whereas I'm single and haven't made too much of an effort to do anything about it. I refuse to blame myself, however because although I could put down the pizza and go for a run once in a while, or actually go up to that guy I've secretly been gawking at in the SU bar every night and ask him for a drink, I think no, no it really isn't my fault, it's TV and Tinder that's to blame.


I was catching up on my shows, because I'm sad and watch far too many TV shows instead of doing anything practical (okay, now it is starting to sound more like it's my fault), and practically every show - comedy, drama, whatever wet's your whistle, all have a strong love story going on, and I swear to god, episode by episode it depresses me more. Why is it that a cop drama has to have a love triangle or Ray Liotta cheating on his wife with guys my age? (by the way that last one is actually part of that new J-Lo show, Shades Of Blue? it's pretty good) or in a comedy why cant their be laughs without someone realising by the end of the show that they're in to their best mate? Fucking Hollywood shoving another fucking love story down our throat because they know that we'll eat it up like the soppy bastards that we are, why cant they leave us loners alone!


A friend of mine who is in a relationship called me lucky the other day, he told me that he wishes he could flirt with girls again, that he misses the chase. Because that's all we are, us singles, we're all just animals fucking each other and then fucking off, because that's the life we chose! Apart from a few people I know who actually fuck around because they like sex and they like variety, most of us aren't like that. You know what doesn't help people thinking it though? Fucking Tinder. Tinder is the devil. it sucks you in and makes you feel wanted because finally someone has seen my photo, may or may not have read my bio and said 'yeah, i'd fuck him'. Tinder actually takes up a lot of my time now, because I spend hours judging people swiping left and right all night, because why the fuck not. It's made dating a game, a game everybody loses.


How about we just cut the bullshit, and be honest. Turn off the TV and maybe delete Tinder, or just put a photo that actually looks like yourself on there, and talk to people. People you like talking to, who make you laugh, make you smile and want to help you when you're down. In reality, all we can ask for is someone that we like to spend time with, so let's just find that and live in the real world.

LET'S TALK.

Hello Internet People,

Wow. It feels so weird to type that in for the first time in so, so long.

I've not posted in ages, and I keep telling myself it's because I've been really busy working, that I don't have time to think up an idea of what to post, or even that I've not had time to do anything worth post-able, but if I'm honest with you that's all bullshit. In all honesty, I haven't posted because I couldn't think of anything to write about, literally nothing decent would come to mind. After months of not writing because of it, it has just come to me, write about not being able to write. So that's what I'm doing.

I'm sure you've all heard of writer's block? hitting the brick wall in your mind that's been littered with graffiti saying 'Just give up' and 'at least you tried'. Well it happens to everyone, at least I hear it does, and as you know, the blogger's worst enemy, well hit me hard and took me down. The worst part of not being able to write is that it makes you feel a bit helpless, like you've lost your passion, your drive, your creativity and there's nothing you can do about it. At the end of it all, you're reading this right now aren't you? so you can get over it. all I had to do was rediscover who inspired me in the first place to write, and to make something worth reading, which in all fairness may not be this. This post is one of those things you have to do, it's like a stepping stone back into it, like dipping your toe back into the water. And knowing that fully, I apologise if it ends up being a waste of your time.

Here's what really gets me though, all the effort. People who write on blogs, or record vlogs, or whatever feel a lot of pressure to create something worth viewing, and sometimes that makes things a lot harder. For instance, sometimes, after watching a great film or hearing an amazing song, I want to write a blog post about it. I want to praise it for everything good it's done, from the way it made me think to the way it has been pioneering in some way - but I can't. If you haven't seen the film or heard the song, then how can you understand what I'm talking about? and then why should you read something that you have no view on at all, or any connection to the substance in the post? You see, although I cant see you, blogging isn't a one sided thing, it relies on you guys, to read the posts and react to them in some way, otherwise they're pointless and have no real reason to have been posted in the first place. But nowadays, writing something of substance has to be broader, more like able and relatable so that anyone out there cant read and understand and 'subscribe' to a relationship with the particular blogger's posts. If you make no effort to make it universal, then it's going to be hard to get people to read, to respond and to want you to continue posting. And that's my problem - I'm overthinking it. I need to go back to the old ways of 'top 5's' and 'collabs' instead of not writing purely because I refuse to think of anything like that.

So long story short, I'm sorry for being gone for so long.

Thanks for sticking around guys,
Tom x